I guess it had to happen sometime.

No, I'm not offering an explanation for that.

I don't even know what to write about today. I'm just here, really, because today is Friday and it's pretty rare that I ever get to a computer on the weekends, so I thought I should update now. Besides, I have about half an hour to kill because I worked my butt off this morning and the next time someone will want somethng won't be for that long, so I'm giving this time to me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the Noah thing and what it says about me. There are only two people in the world that I know and love who don't know about him. Currently I'm lying to them, which is all wrong. But the truth would hurt more, I think. Jaime asked a good question the other day: Are they ever going to be really okay with it? And if not, does it matter if I tell them now or later? Good question, yes, but I don't know the answer so it doesn't help. I cried in my friggin office today. I went on-line to check the Andy memorial page because I got a message that Pete had added Dad's eulogy. I read it again and I cried. Thank God no one else was around for a few minutes. It's not that I want to stop thinking about him, I just want the roller coaster to be over. I keep thinking I've gotten to the end and I'll be stable, but there's always a drop-off when I least expect it. And on the other hand, there are certain people who want me to grieve even more, all the time, and I can't live like that. I want it to be like five years from now, maybe by then this will be old hat and I can just be living and not having to analyze the Andy angle of everything I do or think.

Well, this is a depressing entry. On a lighter note...

Noah and I found our restaurant. It's an Italian place somewhere in St. Paul or something...I still haven't gotten used to the directions and geography in the cities. There are the two downtowns and then there are a million little villages or whatever...it's all confusing. Anyway, Noah saw this little place, Carmelo's, on his way home from class one day so we went last night to try it. It was super yummy! The prices were good, the atmosphere was adorable, and they have tiramisu. Oh yeah, we have become self-appointed tiramisu conossieurs. So yeah, we decided that they are going to see a lot of us there.

Did I ever tell you about the Spooner PLan? It's our fuck it three-no bid for life. There's a three bedroom house that we found on line, $40,000. Yeah. So we could move there and work at the local video store 24 hours a week, tues, wed, thurs 9-5. The rest of the time we are reading and being involved in the community and traveling all over the world, one weekend at a time. Noah wants to spend enormous amounts of time reading up on current events and learning everything there is to know about everything so he can uproot small town people from the little boxes they live in. I told him that bewtween that and my random philosophical urges, no one will invite us to dinner anymore. It's a good fantay plan. Whenever we get freaked out by reality, we discuss Spooner. And we get freaked out by reality a lot. Why can't we function outside of it the way we want to? I have a constant issue with the real world infringing on my time with him. And yet, he's really good at all that real life stuff: bill paying, budgeting, all that crazy stuff. So I'm getting good at it too. And our apartment is super clean all the time. My mother loves him like mad, and they haven't even met yet.

So I guess I did turn the mood around there, huh? Bring up Andy again and see what happens. Welcome to my life.