I am really glad that I went to formal. Well, I should say I'm glad that I went to Ripon for the weekend, since I missed most of formal due to a damned migraine. Thank God for Noah. But anyway, I'm glad I went, because I realized a lot of things.

1. I often forget, when I haven't gone in a while, how nice it is to reconnect, and how much I need that. With time and distance, it's easy to let that connection fade. But then I am back there for a matter of hours, and I really don't want to leave.

2. That said, I have done a lot of thinking about what I am going back there for. At first, when I felt the migraine coming on, I thought to myself, this is a sign that you don't belong here anymore. But then Sunday was an amazingly fun day, and I recanted.

A. It is definitely not Ripon itself. The twon is sleepy, and nice to run away to now and then, but I don't miss anything about the town, really. I do get a hazy "I hate the real world" feeling when I'm there, but usually it goes away quickly because I love my life the way it is, stress and all.

B. Although I love the fact that I was a tau, and I am glad to have had the experiences, happy to have the memories, and extremely grateful for the support I have always had, it is not tau itself that I miss either. I would not want to redo college, I don't want to be there again. And though I'm sure that the new members are great people, every year I am less and less concerned with getting to know them at all. I had a dinner conversation about current stuff, and even then I felt like I was trying to be more interested than I actually was. So it's not the house.

C. The other alumni who get away for the weekend to come, or those who are already there, I am always happy to see. I don't see some people more than that once a year, so it's nice to have that reason to see them. But let's be honest, not all the friendships we had in college are as strong now. Some people were little more than aquaintances who shared an allegiance even back then, so they won't be more than that now. So I love to say hello and find out how things are going, but that's not reason enough for the whole weekend. And the people that were my close friends, and still are, I don't need the excuse of formal to see or talk to.

D. I do enjoy having a group of people that are sure to remember and talk about Andy. That feels good. To those who organized the shot the other night, I sincerely thank you. I was way too much in pain to participate, but I was ecstatic that it was done. And it occurred to me that that has never been my idea, always someone else who got it started. And that is an amazing feeling. It used to hurt to be in that group, in that place, and see/hear/feel Andy things all around. But now, as time has gone on a little, it has become a very happy thing. It feels good to know he is still out there for others too. But again, this is not the real reason for my wanting to be there, and enjoying it so much.

E. So I think I figured it out. It's one thing to just got to Ripon for a weeknd and hang out. But then people work, less people are in town, it's generally more like real life. On formal weekend, it's all different. I go there for the feeling, for the atmosphere. For a few days, it's old home week. We can tell stories, remember old times, let go a little more than we can in the day to day. We remember that even though we have gone off in a million different directions, there was a time, there was a place, there was a group of people, where and with whom we felt safe, young, carefree and cared for. Is that corny? Probably. Maybe I am the only one, the hopeless romantic. I hope not, but I even if I am I don't care. I have a toally different life now than I had when I met my tau friends. That's both good and bad, as everything. I really love my life. But I also love how I got there. And sometimes I need a reminder of how and why I got to where I am today, and how and why it is wonderful. I don't even know if I am using all the right words, or if it makes any sense. But in the end, I'm just trying to say that I am glad I was there. I had a good time.

3. CAVEAT: The drama. In my day, I was as big a drama queen as anyone could imagine. I know that, my friends know that, everyone knows that. I'm comfortable with it. And I'm comfortable with the fact that now and then, as I continue friendships with people, I get a little caught up in any given current drama. Have you ever met my mother? It's in my blood, what can I say? But in general, in the secret heart of me, I really want to be done. I'm done. This is my life, this is who I am, take it or leave it. If I have known you any number of years, then you know who I am and how I am. I suck at keeping in touch, that's a Truth (capital T). But if I make any effort at all to keep you in my life, that means that I love you and I want you to continue to be my friend. If that's either not enough for you, or too much for you, or whatever problem you might have with me, I'm really sorry. Maybe you could let me know, personally, and maybe we can deal with that. But unless I hear otherwise, I'm continuing with the only system I have. And when I go somewhere like formal weekend, I go to see the people who are there to have fun, see other people, make a weekend of it and go back to life. That's it. If a friend really needs help, of course I am there, but I don't want the meningless drama anymore.

I really was going to do the list, but it keeps getting longer in my head. Suffice it to say, if we talked or saw each other during the weekend, then I am glad. I was really happy to see everyone. I was glad to reconnect. I hope I see or talk to you all again at some point before next year, but who knows? There were a number of people not there this weekend that I sincerely missed. Whatever their reasons for missing, I hope I catch up with them at some point too.

4. I am not the person I want to be. Not yet. I guess I would be bored if I were, but the constant reminder than I am below even my own par is a little frustrating. The combination of this weekend's events and today back at work somehow jostled my inferiority back into view. That's good. I can work on it more when I am aware.

5. I need people. Some more than others, obviously. That's a good realization too, though.

6. I am slightly frustrated at how long it is taking, now that I finally have a clear goal for the first time in a long time, how damn long it is taking to reach it. Work is okay, school is fun and all, but when do I get to where I want to be?? Does that ever actually happen??

7. Time and distance from a lifestyle, as well as from people and places, changes how you see it. The world is a different place for me now. And seeing it the way I do now makes me...not regretful, I don't believe in regretting...but, humbled in terms of how my past actions may have affected other people. Things are clearer from the future. Hindsight is 20/20, and all the other happy cliches.

8. The atmosphere is changing, in general. This journal craze, which had a strong bandwagon that I just jumped right into, may not have been the best idea. For one reason or another, multiple people are bringing it to a close. I think it's a symptom of something else, but maybe I'm just crazy. So I thought about it, and I thought maybe I would stop too. But then I realized, probably no one reads it anyway. And if I write something I don't want someone to see, I either delete, or live with it. If people do read it, most likely they are someone I like, and I think it's good to have an easy way to let people know what's up with you, even if you don't update very often, like me. So I'm staying. And I say what I say. And maybe someone cares. And if not, at least I get it out now and then, just for me.