I am feeling really...lonely, or something today. My mom was just visiting. She got here on Thursday the 23rd, and left this morning. The same damn thing happened that happens every time. Only this time we didn't really fight (just the once, and it was relatively minor) and I didn't spend the whole week in a mood, or wishing she would go home. But even though we went out and did things and had fun, I felt like a I missed something when she left.

By the time yesterday came around, I was sort of wishing the visit would be over. But mainly because it is really exhausting to have compnay for a whole week. Anyone for a week would start to get overwhelming...Noah and I had little to no private time, and it was just added to our schedule because we weren't able to get time off. So on top of the picture of chaos that our life already is, we added a visitor. And it gets even worse when that visitor is the one top person you want to impress in the whole world. And even worse when you somehow feel that it's never going to work.

Now I have to say that I am not one of those people that thinks my mother will never think that I, or anything that I do, is good enough. That's so not true. My mother is, and always has been, very loving and supportive and proud of me. But I have a neurose about her comments. I'm nuts.

So I was thinking today about what the problem is. Because I had to say goodbye to her this morning, and then I cried all the way to work. Which doesn't make sense if I was waiting for her to leave. And we had fun, and she loved the house, and everything should be all good. But it's not. Because I didn't hug her enough. I have an issue with my mother's emotional (and this is related to physical) neediness. I didn't think I did, but I do. How messed up is that? Okay, you can't really have an opinion about that until you know my family and all the dynamics. And I definitely don't have time to go into all of that. But I thought I was immune to that particular family mother problem. But I'm not. So I keep my distance, only slightly conscious of that when it is happening. But then she leaves and I realize that she is 61, lives 1500 miles away, and I won't get to see her for at least another four months. So I cry. And I wish I had hugged her more. And I wonder if she knows how much I love her. And I worry that she'll think I don't. And I hope I never have kids like me.

The thing is, even if I could think of a compelling reason to move back there (I mean, it's not like I have a job lined up or anything, and I'm still in school), and even if we didn't have a mortgage now, I couldn't ask Noah to do it. We've been down that road. And I had my opportunity to go when Andy died, and I didn't. So what does that say?