Today I was reading over some old entires, mostly about two really painful topics, and I cried a little. I guess that's a good thing, cathartic release and all that. Sometimes I wonder about life paths and fate and destiny and all that. There are a lot of things I think about and ponder on a regular basis, there are a lot of ideas and concepts and such that I really like or intellectually agree with or feel a pull towards for any number of reasons. But there is very little that I actually have faith in. In some ways, that's good. I mean, I have always tried to think things through logically before acepting them, and I think that's a good practice. But some days I wish I could be one of the oblivious people, even if only for a day, because it seems so much easier. As Trent put it, "I'm on my hands and knees. I want so much to believe!" I couldn't have said it better myself. (Sadly enough, I think that's true about a lot of things, which is why I quote people so often. Everything's already been said. But I digress.) Anyway, I don't know why things happen the way they do, and I'm not the kind of person who can just say, "Well, there's a reason for everything," or, "God works in mysterious ways." Both of those may be true, but I'm not content with that. I want more, I want explanations, I want the big picture. Anything less must be proof of poor planning. What's the point of this whole dumb paragraph? I don't know why my husband died. I don't know why I have lost friends. Things seem to happen, and you're carried along on the tide, and then all of a sudden it's over and you're looking back and wondering how the hell you got where you are. How can one decision, one conversation, one diagnosis, one wrong move, lead to such overwhelming conclusions? I read this article in a magazine during my hospital period and this woman whose husband was dying said they felt like those people in a movie: they're on a boat and the boat is about to go over a cliff but they are blissfully enjoying the boat ride, because they haven't seen the cliff yet. Andy and I felt like that too. It's not only bad things either. I don't know how I got this job, how I suddenly was going to nursing school instead of trying for my Ph. D.. How I am suddenly in an amazing, perfect, super serious relationship with a guy I met seven months ago. It's enough to drive a person crazy if you think about it too long. And I'm not complaining...about good things or bad things, really. I am happy right now, and all these things contributed to where I am now, but you can't just not think about these things.

I'm at work, by the way. I have 45 minutes or so left and I really don't want to be here right now. I did have a really productive day all day, without it being stressful, and that hasn't happened in a while. I am just tired and wanting to go to school and feeling introspective.

Also, Noah left on a business trip today and he won't be back until Thursday night, which sucks monkeys. Except for Alys and Dave's wedding, which was months ago, we haven't been apart over night since I came to Minnesota. Three nights seems like a year. And I am worried about him being on a plane, which is stupid but true. So I went on a really early lunch today so I could see him before his dad brought him to the airport. It feels weird knowing that I'm going home to an empty apartment tonight. I am so totally in love with him.

By the way, I am still having major archiving problems. I seem to have lost my whole summer on that page, but the entries are still there. I can get to them from my edit page. What's up with that? Please help me if you know anything.

I got my white badge for work today. Everyone has a yellow badge for your first ninety days, like Nazi flair: you're yellow, you don't know what you're doing, you can expect abuse and elitist attitudes. Anyway, my 90 days were up in July and I finally got my white! Go me! Now I really work here.

I made this taxonomy flow chart for my biology lab yesterday, on Microsoft Excel. It was so fun!! This school stuff is so exciting. Last night Noah and I filled out all his stuff to apply to the Master's program, filled out my stuff to consolidate all my loans, worked on my flow chart, did up a proposal for one of his clients, and got him packed for his trip, all between nine and midnight. We are such a good team. It's funny, because he wanted me to fill out his application form because he hates his handwriting, and I wanted him to figure out the details of that loan application thing because I have no brain for such things, and it all worked out pretty well. Of course, then it was late and we had to get up super early so I could bring him to work before having to get here at 7:30, so I didn't get much sleep. After school tonight I'm going to watch episode 3 of Queer as Folk (I rented the DVD, it rocks so far) and got to bed early. This is going to be such a long week.

Anyway, that was quite a long, rambling entry, and I really should get at least one more thing done before I leave.