Well...where to begin?

I went to Andy's memorial service on Saturday. It was as I expected as far as being the catalyst for a mini Amanda breakdown. I hated all those people looking at me and having to say hello to twenty thousand peple I don't know and. . .the whole thing, actually. I hated the whole thing. I thought I was going to be okay at first, and then I saw the I love Dad tie on the table and I lost it. Alys was there for me though, thank God. One of my many amazing friends.

Then after the service I had to walk back through the church with everyone sitting there. Was this a good plan? But no one seemed to notice that I disappeared for a while after that. So that was cool.

Okay, the service itself. A lot of people have written about this in their journals. And I agree whole heartedly. But I do have to say some things. Andy and I were having a sort of religious rebirth at the end. We were planning on finding a church when he recovered. He was asking his dad to pray a lot, and me too. We prayed together a few times before the coma. I'm not saying that we had forgotten all of our problems with Christianity, or that we were whooly reborn or something. But when you are confronted with the kinds of things that were staring in our faces, you get to thinking.

However, all that aside, I was irate that the pastor chose to exploit my husband's death to gain more souls. And the only reason I didn't say anything then was that I loved a lot of the people in that room who actually believe all that crap.

so, will I find a church now? Fuck that. The bastard took my husband away from me. I don't want to offer any sacharine prayers to him now. I can't say I'm an atheist. That can't be true when you are still angry with God. But I am angry as hell. What the fuck kind of sense does all of this make? God may have a plan, but I don't really care. I don't feel like I should have to wait for justification. I want it now. ANd I know I won't get it. So her's me attempting to move on anyway. In the meantime, don't get between me and my anger.

One person already found that out. In a way, I feel bad for him. Perhaps I would not have reacted that badly had I not already been consumed with anger. But it was inportant and some things need to be said. Did she hear them? I don't know. I would not have said them to her on purpose, but if she did hear it so be it. It might be better for all of us. Either way, he chose her over Andy and I can't follow suit. So we'll see what happens next.

Someday I will write an entry totally for Andy. But I don't think I can go there quite yet.

Instead, I'll say thank you again to all my friends. You guys have been amazing. I have never realized how blessed Andy and I have been until the last few months. It sucks big time that we had to find out this way. But at least he knew before...yeah. And I got to find out while I still have time to appreciate it. And I do. More than I can say. I don't think I deserve to be loved the way i am, but I'm trying.